Dog Handling

The Art of Dog Handling

Rule 1: You must not sleep with him.

Rule 2: No really, don't sleep with him.


The art of dog handling is as such: You (the woman) are in charge of the pseudo-relationship. He is not. He is "the dog". The idea behind dog handling is to maintain the upper hand, thus preventing yourself from getting attached and when your needs are finally met, there is no lingering feelings to deal with, no closure needed because you have in fact had the last word.

Day 1: Choose your target. He can be any man. Any man that you have the opportunity to get relatively close to without arousing some sort of police activity.

Day 2: Find out his tricks. Speak with his co-workers, mutual aquaintences, people you've seen near him, ex-girlfriends are always a plus, especially the bitter ones.

Day 3: Make your initial move. But trick him into thinking it's his. This is accomplished by appearing flustered, but maintaining dignity. He'll never know it's coming if you pull the old "bump and tumble" routine.

Day 4: The second run in. Make it look like you're just popping by, surprised to see him. Make sure that he hasn't noticed you marking his moves. I suggest, as with experience comes a greater understanding, that you employ a male friend to take note of where he gets his kicks. I suggest staying away from crowded places such as bars, though a sports arena or a sports bar can be an option. Then use this male friend to carry you along with him on an afternoon stroll with his girlfriend. Make sure this male friend has a girlfriend. This is an imperative . Ex. *stumble* oh gosh, sorry about... hey! "name" right? I met you a few days/weeks back"

Day 5: The date. Ah yes. What you've been dying for, right? Bet you even remembered to take the pill today. Well, the answer to your question? NO. YOU MAY NOT. Your goal tonight is to make yourself unforgetable. Now, this may take a little chemistry, setting, and some drinks, but you must make yourself into the object of his desire. Allow him to brush up against you, perhaps a slow kiss before departing, but he cannot "come in for coffee".

Day 6-7 (how every many you need): More dates, one casual, one at your place. Make sure you have cleaned and sprayed. He must be terribly enchanted. Make yourself unavailable to him. If he calls, answer, but be busy. If he calls and leaves a message, wait a day. Only then may you return his call... unless of course he got tickets to the show and he wants you to go.

Day 8(ish): Finally! I'm sure you've had your fill of him by now. He's itching to get in your pants, but for some reason he feels as though "he knows you". You're getting bored of his advances when you know you've got a certain schedule to follow. You let him buy you a nice dinner, bring him home for some romance, then kick him out in the morning with a sweet smile and a "i'll call you". This is where you decide as to whether or not you'll keep him. He's "worked" too hard in his mind to just let you off with a night of passion, so he'll want to keep in touch. Was he good enough? If not... bye bye birdie!

Good luck, and make sure your collars aren't too tight!